


So Many Words (they sting like wasps)

by Spotted_Newt



Series: Words [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Acephobia, Ahsoka Tano Needs a Hug, Aphobia, Asexual Ahsoka Tano, Asexual Bant Eerin, Asexual Character, Asexual Obi-Wan Kenobi, Biphobia, Biromantic Obi-Wan Kenobi, Bisexual Ahsoka Tano, F/F, F/M, Homophobia, M/M, Nonbinary Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi, Sorry this is a sad fic, They all need hugs and don't get them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27208573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spotted_Newt/pseuds/Spotted_Newt
Summary: Queer characters in a cruel world.TW for acephobia/aphobia, biphobia, and homophobia.See notes for more info.
Series: Words [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1986325
Comments: 19
Kudos: 32





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you've read my other fics, you'll know that I usually try to keep things fun and upbeat, or at least give my characters happy endings after a bit of angst. 
> 
> This is not one of those fics.
> 
> This fic is me projecting my frustrations, fears, and hurt onto my favorite characters in the Star Wars universe. The things that the characters face will, for the most part, be things I have experienced. Some of the dialogue will be direct quotes of things that have been said to me. In other cases I may write about the experiences of other folks. Regardless, this fic is a raw representation of reality. 
> 
> PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS. This fic deals with a lot of aphobia, biphobia, and homophobia. If that is triggering to you, please do not read. Please take care of yourselves. I cherish all of my dear readers, and I would never want you to cause yourselves excessive pain by reading something you shouldn't. I write these stories because it's therapeutic for me, and I publish them because sometimes reading can help us feel like we are not alone in our struggles. 
> 
> Heed the warnings. Make healthy choices. 
> 
> And if you aren't ace or bi and have never experienced the things in this fic, perhaps look at your friends who are with more compassion.
> 
> The pairings and characters' orientations may not be consistent from chapter to chapter. Each chapter is a oneshot, and they can be read as taking place in the same universe or in different universes.
> 
> I will also be posting a companion fic of happier moments of acceptance, so stay tuned for that. There is some hope!

"Padawan," Qui-Gon said, out of the blue, "would you tell me if you were gay?"

Obi-Wan nearly stumbled at the sudden question, but managed to keep himself composed as the pair walked along the street. "Yes," he answered, even as his heart rate kicked up a few notches. 

"Would you actually?" Qui-Gon pressed. 

A bead of sweat formed on Obi-Wan's brow. "Yes, Master." 

"Hmm."

Obi-Wan was careful to control his breathing and his gait, wanting to appear completely at ease. Wanting to make sure nothing in his presence would give Qui-Gon any clues to the war raging within Obi-Wan. 

"Have you ever found yourself attracted to a boy?" Qui-Gon asked.

"No," Obi-Wan said, his panic spiking again, because he didn't want to lie to his Master but he also  _ didn't know _ and was not at all prepared to have this conversation. "That's ridiculous. I've only ever been attracted to girls." 

Which was a half-lie, because truthfully he had never been _sexually_ attracted to anyone at all. Yes, he had thought girl were cute, and he'd had crushes, but he had figured out about a year ago that he was asexual. 

For half a second, Obi-Wan considered revealing this to Qui-Gon. He had always sort of wanted to tell the older man, his mentor, practically his father. But he'd always been afraid, and there had never been a right time. Was this a good moment? After all, Qui-Gon was the one who had started the conversation.

“Hm," Qui-Gon said, "I don't see how a man can be attracted to another man."

Obi-Wan's stomach dropped to his feet. "Me neither," he said, and that was definitely a lie, because boys were as beautiful as girls were, but did that mean he was attracted to them? He didn't know. "It's weird."

Qui-Gon hummed again, and let the conversation drop, completely oblivious to the storm inside his Padawan, and the wall he had just built between them.

Only when Qui-Gon stopped at a fruit vendor and then started talking to Obi-Wan about different varieties of muja, did Obi-Wan feel himself begin to release some of the tension he was holding. 

It seemed his secrets were safe, for now. 


	2. Chapter 2

"You can't buy that," Barriss said. 

Ahsoka raised an eyebrow, still holding the edge of the jacket sleeve between her fingers, running her thumb over the fabric. "Why not?"

The pair was standing in a shop, searching for spare clothes. The ones they wore tended to get worn out pretty quickly thanks to blaster fire, muck, blood, and other such things that come with war. Ahsoka didn’t wear standard Jedi robes, which meant that she couldn’t find new clothes in the Temple. She had to go out to the shopping district. Not that she minded, it was fun to spend an afternoon shopping with her friend. 

"People will think you're gay!" Barriss exclaimed, as if it were obvious.

Ahsoka froze, feeling as though she had been physically struck. 

"That style is a lesbian fashion trend," Barriss continued, "you can't buy that."

 _So what?_ Ahsoka wanted to scream. _So what if they think I'm gay? What does it matter?_

But more than that, the underlying messages in Barriss' words, intentional or unintentional, pierced Ahsoka's chest like shards of glass.

_What's wrong with people thinking I'm gay?_

_What's wrong with being gay?_

Because Ahsoka wasn't sure that she _wasn't_ gay. She'd been thinking a lot lately, and she thought that maybe she was at least bi. She wasn't sure yet. She was still figuring it out. 

Ahsoka swallowed, then dropped the sleeve and moved to the next rack of clothes. She had thought that Barriss understood. That she, of all people, wouldn't judge Ahsoka for things in the realm of sexuality. They had spent nights lying in the Temple gardens together, talking in hushed tones about their experiences struggling with gender identity. They had talked about being a-spec, about being unsure, about questioning themselves and the terms they wanted to use. 

So for Barriss to say something like this? It stung. Bad. And Ahsoka realized she couldn't tell Barriss about maybe being bi. 

And she couldn't tell her other Padawan friends either. That was something that had always been in the back of her mind, but she had brushed it aside, forgotten it almost. She knew that they had... traditional views, but it had never really come up, and Ahsoka had Barriss, so who cared if she couldn't tell her other friends? 

But she didn't have Barriss. 

And that somehow made it very real that she didn't have her other friends either.

She didn't have anyone. 

That evening, when she put her new jacket in her wardrobe (not the one Barriss had objected to, a different one) Ahsoka played the scene in the shop over and over in her mind.

Maybe she was overreacting. Maybe Barriss wouldn't be bothered by Ahsoka being bi. 

But what if she was? If she felt that strongly about a simple jacket (one which Ahsoka was fairly certain wasn't an actual lesbian fashion trend, but whatever) how would she feel about Ahsoka being bi?

Ahsoka couldn't risk it. She couldn't face that rejection.

And as she closed the door to her wardrobe, shutting away the the jacket she hadn't really wanted, Ahsoka felt truly alone.


End file.
